Sunday, January 30, 2011

Sometimes my heart breaks

I've been talking about the peace, joy and contentment I've found since I have accepted my job and begun to submit to my husband regarding that. It has been a long road, but since last summer the road has been mostly smooth and bright. Sometimes, though, I hit an unexpected hard bump and I crash. Like last night.

My little ones spent most of the week at my parents' house because mine and my husband's schedules conflicted and we were not able to switch off caring for the kids as usual. On Thursday my mom brought them over to our house because she had something she needed to do out my way. E and A did not want to come home and had to be promised that they would go back to Nana's house in the evening! I got to spend a few precious hours with them that day, playing in the 10 inches of snow that fell on Wednesday, but then they went back to my parents'.

Friday night I couldn't hold in the tears. I bawled. I missed my kids. I hurt because they wanted to stay at Nana's and didn't even want to come home to me! Yes, it's normal, most kids love spending time at Grandma's and don't want to come home. But what hurts the most is that I know they are getting what they need there and it's something I can't give them. My mom takes them for walks every day, she practices numbers, colors and workbooks with E. My dad, grandma and siblings take turns reading to the kids and playing with them. There is life in my parents' house and the children sense that.

They never have that warmth of attention and activity at home. I generally have about four hours between when they wake up and when I go to work to squeeze in breakfast, morning hygiene routine, Bible time and school or outside time, getting lunch ready, and stopping for dirty diapers, potty training, and loving discipline along the way. Then I run off to work. It's so crammed that we always have to choose whether we will play outside today or do "school" today.

I sobbed last night, crying out to God to please release me and let me come home to my children. I've been given the gift of motherhood but I feel like I'm not taking good care of that precious gift and that I'm missing out on so much of my children's lives. And they need me so much!! Why can't I be there for them? I've learned to be content now, God! I've accepted my job, I'm not fighting about it with my husband, I've learned to be thankful for it. Please can I come home now? Please!

Last night all I could do was cry and turn to God's word. I didn't feel like cooking, cleaning, watching a movie or reading a book. I just was drawn to the Bible like a magnet. I didn't know what part I should read. I just read. I fell asleep reading and when I woke up this morning I had to turn to it again. The same despair hung over me until I read Paul's words to the Ephesians,

I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being . . . . Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.

My heart became a little lighter after reading that. It reminded me that I'm still hoping for a transformation in our lives for God's glory. And I have to keep praying and waiting and working until the Lord does it.

E and A are finally home tonight. They are asleep next to me, curled up in their adorable way, as I write. I'm so thankful for them. I pray that God covers over for all the elements that are missing here at home and pray that he guards them as they grow. The tears are running down my face even now. I pray God continues to give me grace to joyfully go to work each day. He reminds me of a truth I learned as a child:

Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters, since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving. Colossians 3:23-24


  1. Hi there, i'm new to your blog and think you have chosen a great topic!

    Also here to encourage you - I am in my 40s and have 5 daughters. I have always worked (as a nurse) - sometimes part time, sometimes full time. My oldest is 17 and youngest is 3. My heart has always wanted to be at home but I believe God called me to nursing and has shown me that repeatedly through the years (been a nurse for over 19 years). I'm now at a crossroads where I can no longer perform bedside nursing due to repeated back injuries. I so want to stay home....however, my husband does not work.

    Let's have this journey together!

  2. This is a beautiful post, Hannah! Tears are running down my face after reading this. I pray that I have this heart posture and an attitude of contentment, even at this time in my life. I love you!!

  3. I've just come across this blog and I just want to say, I too share your same feelings. I am a working mom (one 20 month old and I'm currently 6 months pregnant). My deep desire is to be home with my daughter(s). I just want to say thank you for writing this post. I cannot begin to tell you the confirmation God has put in my heart by reading that verse from Ephesians. In fact, I have that very same verse posted up where I see it every morning. I'm not sure where your at in your goal towards staying home, but know that I'm praying along side you, for both of us to be able to do that one day. In the meantime, we can pray for balance between contentment and ambition.